Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

Hunt’s Blueberry Muffin Pudding

Description. It is our belief at the B.A.R.F. that pudding should not: 1) come from Hunt’s, a company best known for condiments; 2) contain the kind of “real milk” that remains shelf stable well into the following calendar year; or 3) have the sort of blue-greige hue customarily associated with bread mold. Hunt’s Snack Pack Blueberry Muffin pudding is and does all of these things, and adds to those insults the injury of a gloppy, gritty, bad-papier-mâché consistency.

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Keebler Cinnamon Roll Cookies (Caramel Pecan)

Description. A visual hybrid of a classic Entenmann’s chocolate-chip cookie and the cinnamon roll promised by the name, the CRC is distinguished primarily by the intensity of its odor. Dr. Barkenbush furnished the samples in two Ziploc bags, themselves within a USPS Priority Mail box sealed with packing tape; the cookies still managed to suffuse the lab’s entryway with the jackhammer scent of Cinnabon (a co-brander of this cookie venture).

Each cookie is festooned with pointedly random stripes of caramel — or so it appeared through eyes made watery by ersatz-pecan fumes.

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dynamoe:

Bitch, please.

dynamoe:

Bitch, please.

(Source: law-order-food)

Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos

Description. To what could the nominal burst refer? Not to genuine berry, we can confidently inform you; possibly an “into tears” was stricken from the copy by the marketing department. Or a reference to a dam of Barbie-tinted carcinogens.

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Buffalo Blue Cheese Pretzel Combos

Description. An attempt to shoehorn the experience of Sunday-afternoon football-watching tavern cuisine into a three-quarter-inch tube of dangerously over-salted paste, the Buffalo Blue Cheese Pretzel Combo is surprisingly successful. It is not good, quite, but nor is it the disaster that would seem to be presaged by 1) the choice of pretzel base, the least appealing of the Combo shells in Dr. Bunting’s opinion; or 2) the inevitably doomed effort to replicate any cheese, or “cheese,” more upmarket than government-issue Velveeta.

Again, it is not great, but given the possible — and revolting — alternatives, merely skirting an utter palate catastrophe should be deemed a victory.

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Polar cleavability; amplitude; thermo-expansion and fractile extension.