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Valomilk

Description. The lone product of the Sifers candy company, the Valomilk is a Mallo Cup, but with two critical differences. One, the marshmallow center is sweeter and much softer.

Two, it is much, much more disgusting.

Packaging/Branding. It is not, we assert, intentionally disgusting. The package art, the font, the site copy all have a turn-of-the-last century naïveté about them. Even the name “Valomilk” — clumsily portmanteaued from the words “vanilla,” “marshmallow,” and of course “milk” — speaks of old-tyme patent medicines with unintentionally tasteless names.

It also brings the Velomint to mind, which is deeply unfortunate.

The packaging itself suggests a strategy of containment; medical equipment isn’t sealed as thoroughly as a Valomilk packet. The font and color scheme is charmingly retro, but the likeness of the cups is disturbing; each cup appears to have recently vomited a white fluid. The sleeve copy doesn’t help matters with a reference to “creamy flowing marshmallow.” “Creamy” is bad enough. “Flowing” is very nearly an outrage.

The website’s history section features the same artwork, and the same off-kilter blend of folksy family-business origin stories and overuse of the word “runny.” Russell Sifers winds up his account with a phrase in quotation marks that we must therefore assume is the company’s unofficial — and hideously inappropriate — slogan : “When it runs down your chin, you know it’s a VALOMILK.” Ah. Is…that what you “know” it is.

Flavor Profile. Dr. Bunting felt quite sure while testing the Valomilk that police would burst in at any moment to arrest her for violating both state and federal decency statutes. The cups came out of the package having already pre-ejaculated some of their marshmallow filling. Having managed to avoid both felony charges and dry heaves, Dr. Bunting can report that the Valomilk is odd, but somewhat tasty. The marshmallow is disconcerting: thinner and sweeter than the customary blend, with a graininess to it. The chocolate, meanwhile, is a bit tarter than you’d expect, which makes a nice contrast.

The cup is impossible to cut or bite cleanly; refrigeration had no effect in that regard. The only solution — regrettably, given the overwhelming fellatiovertones of the brand — is to stuff the entire cup in one’s mouth.

Habitat. The champagne room; Mennonite trick-or-treating parties.

Field Notes. Ew.

Revulsion Scale: 10

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