Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

Wax Syrup Sticks

Description. A wax tube of circus-colored corn syrup is one of the pleasures or activities of childhood that simply does not translate to adult life. It is constituted entirely of sugar, adulterated with chemicals, and it is a messy and disappointing hassle to consume. Children have rabid sweet teeth, plenty of free time, and no involvement with dry cleaning or at-home stain removal; slurping blue sugar water out of a tiny wax phallus does not strike them as inappropriate.

Adults, on the other hand, have absolutely no reason to associate with the Wax Syrup Stick and its terrifying array of food dyes. Our tester tried every possible mode of consumption, in search of the one that would not ikat her clothing with a Yellow 6 Rorschach series, and her notepad at the end of this failed endeavor looked like the NORAD screen during the missile-code sequence in WarGames: incisor shear, molar shear, scissor and knife incisions, manual snap, pinhole, supra-sink, bib method, spoon edge, gravity press.

And for what, she wondered after changing her shirt. For a taste experience she could replicate by licking an IKEA Tindra.

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Choclettos

Description. The Chocletto is, in theory, the waking embodiment of every candy-loving child’s wildest dream: a hybrid of the Starburst shape, the Kraft caramel’s smooth chewiness, and chocolate.

The poo-hued reality falls short of “revolting,” but then, it just falls short, period.

Packaging/Branding. The Old Time Candy Company sends an eight-pack of Choclettos in a plastic dime-store sleeve; each candy is folded into a white waxed wrapper with “Choclettos™” printed in purple on the side.

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