Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

Sliced Herring Fillets in Cream Sauce

Description. Cured fish of any sort is guaranteed to motivate furious debates along any number of axes: how fishy is too fishy vs. “oy: it’s fish”; when to pair sweet with salt; rye-pernickel bread, clever solution or unholy hybrid. Addressing the sliced herring fillet, we will confine ourselves to a mere two of these arguments. The first: whether a snack is the same thing as a nosh.

As scientists, we at the B.A.R.F. must refrain from any final or permanent judgment in the matter; we will merely illustrate the reasoning, to wit: many consider a snack a food item that, while it may augment a meal, is not a meal substitute; a nosh, meanwhile, is understood as composed of meal components, but consumed in smaller quantities and grazing style — often at the same in-between times as a snack, but differing from a meal in degree, rather than as a snack does, in kind.

The herring fillet is widely seen as a noshable, like whitefish salad or lox; it may not represent an entire meal, but merely part of one, or something to nibble during Mother’s Day brunch. A forkful of the leftovers spread on a mini-bagel is clearly, on a figurative basis, a snack…but certain purists insist that a protein is never a snack…or that, if you have to use a utensil to create it, it is not a snack…or that an oversalted and mealy fillet studded with softened bones and topped with a too-sweet slurry of cream and red onions is not fit for human consumption in the first place.

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Earthly Eats Vegetarian Turkey Salad

Description. Turkey salad is itself superfluous. It is seldom seen outside the post-Thanksgiving repurposing-desperation period, usually on or around the Tuesday following, by which time all other turkey dishes — sandwiches; tetrazzini; an awkward canapé incident involving pimiento — have been exhausted and only salad and smoothies remain. It is never ordered, or craved.

The Foundation has yet to collect sufficient data on why this is so, although one leading theory has it that turkey, despite its superior taste, is not as agreeably chunkable as chicken and therefore fails to translate. But it is so nevertheless; turkey salad is inessential. Vegetarian turkey salad, then, is almost actively a waste of energy and space.

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