Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

Andy Capp’s Fries

The Bunting Alimentary Research Foundation has tested both Andy Capp’s Hot Fries and Andy Capp’s Cheddar Fries, and it is safe to say that both varieties contain many a revolting element, starting with the Bikini Atoll orange color of the Fries themselves. The product is, as best we can ascertain, composed of a blend of reconstituted corn and potatoes; subjected to an MSG delousing; and introduced only briefly to naturally occurring substances such as paprika and mustard before undergoing another flea dip in preservatives. The label either promises or warns that Fries contain milk. On the other hand, a single 99-cent bag of Hot Fries accounts for 39% of the RDA of sodium, and 24% of the saturated fat. To whom does the relevant cow belong — Marlon Brando?

So, while it is probably healthier to open a major blood vessel and insert a Fry directly into it than to digest a handful, the chemicals do their jobs. The Fry does not go stale easily, and resembles a civilian curly fry in shade and coating.

Read More