Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed Cookies

Description. We suppose we could praise the Keebler Corporation’s restraint in not describing the product as “simply packed with fudge!”, but we will not, as everything else about an E.L. Fudge Double Stuffed cookie is annoying; creepy; twee; fecal; or a horrifying combination of all of these.

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Keebler Cinnamon Roll Cookies (Caramel Pecan)

Description. A visual hybrid of a classic Entenmann’s chocolate-chip cookie and the cinnamon roll promised by the name, the CRC is distinguished primarily by the intensity of its odor. Dr. Barkenbush furnished the samples in two Ziploc bags, themselves within a USPS Priority Mail box sealed with packing tape; the cookies still managed to suffuse the lab’s entryway with the jackhammer scent of Cinnabon (a co-brander of this cookie venture).

Each cookie is festooned with pointedly random stripes of caramel — or so it appeared through eyes made watery by ersatz-pecan fumes.

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Berry Burst Ice Cream Oreos

Description. To what could the nominal burst refer? Not to genuine berry, we can confidently inform you; possibly an “into tears” was stricken from the copy by the marketing department. Or a reference to a dam of Barbie-tinted carcinogens.

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Spring Oreos

Description. The snack world already had a perfectly adequate “spring” Oreo. We called it “the Oreo,” and between Double-Stufs, Golden Oreos, the Oreos with the Thin-Mints-esque coating, the chocolate Oreos, the other 3,283 niche flavors, and the ability of most seasonally concerned gourmands to walk outside with a famous original Oreo on an April afternoon and eat it amongst the bees and blooms, the market did not seem to cry out for a specially branded sandwich cookie in addition to pre-existing products.

The market almost assuredly did not cry out for said sandwich cookie to feature a filling the color of hangover urine. Half a dozen pastels available to denote spring — or, more particularly, Easter eggs — and which shade does Nabisco select? Not pink, which they might push to girls, or lavender, perfect to roll off the line again in June for Pride Weekend, or pale green (St. Pat’s) or baby blue. No, Nabisco selected yellow, and not a gentle, baby-nursery, newborn-chick yellow, but rather a hepatitis-eyeball, B-movie-creature-teeth, neglected-meth-head-dye-job yellow.

The Spring Oreo soon became known around the Foundation Campus as, well, anything but; popular monikers included “the Or-Pee-o” and “the Needle-Shareo.” But we cannot help noting that “the Spring Urino” could have overcome its unfortunate tint had Nabisco decided on a rainbow of Spring Oreo shades. Instead, the sales team evidently opted to confine variety to the cookies themselves, which come in five different designs, all equally immaterial to the Oreo experience.

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