Their habitats, markings, and behaviors. On Twitter @RevoltingSnacks.

Wise Honey BBQ Cheez Doodles

Description. People love chee”se” doodles; people love barbecue chips; surely people will love a puffed-corn snack that combines the two snaxperiences. …Or so the conversation in the Wise Corporation’s product-development department must have gone.

Elsewhere in the culture, another conversation occurred in which the venerable Dr. Egon Spengler warned, “Don’t cross the streams. It would be bad.” This latter exchange: ignored.

It is with some relief, then, that we report the failure of the expected perversion of food science to materialize. The “Honey BBQ & Cheese Flavored baked corn snack” is faintly unpleasant visually; the obligatory neon orange of the average cheesy puff is muted, as well as augmented with dark flea-like flecks of unknown origin. Optimists may identify them as bits of the paprika extract or tomato powder promised by the ingredients; realists, on the other hand, having never seen thiamin hydrochloride or disodium guanylate in their native forms, could conclude that they resemble bedbug powder. Neither party will sleep any better knowing that a food additive called “butter oil” exists.

Packaging/Branding. The hip-hop bee mascot is simply unacceptable. First of all, in the shameful Mr. Peanut tradition of talking-object/animal mascots since time immemorial, it has no trousers on. Second of all, it is a hip-hop bee.

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Andy Capp’s Fries

The Bunting Alimentary Research Foundation has tested both Andy Capp’s Hot Fries and Andy Capp’s Cheddar Fries, and it is safe to say that both varieties contain many a revolting element, starting with the Bikini Atoll orange color of the Fries themselves. The product is, as best we can ascertain, composed of a blend of reconstituted corn and potatoes; subjected to an MSG delousing; and introduced only briefly to naturally occurring substances such as paprika and mustard before undergoing another flea dip in preservatives. The label either promises or warns that Fries contain milk. On the other hand, a single 99-cent bag of Hot Fries accounts for 39% of the RDA of sodium, and 24% of the saturated fat. To whom does the relevant cow belong — Marlon Brando?

So, while it is probably healthier to open a major blood vessel and insert a Fry directly into it than to digest a handful, the chemicals do their jobs. The Fry does not go stale easily, and resembles a civilian curly fry in shade and coating.

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